The ENSEMBLE warns the audience that they better leave if they are easily frightened or offended in SCHOOLGIRL PILLOWFIGHT MASSACRE as four adorable schoolgirls pillowfight for the amusement of the audience and the others. At the local high school principal’s office, PRINCIPAL KNOT reprimands high school quarterback and stud SEAN when he gets distracted by the school hottie, TAMMI (THE GIRL IS LIKE AN INSTANT HARD-ON). Sean is disappointed Tammi will not meet him tonight she and several other girls are to meet for a class assignment at the house of the ‘fat girl,’ GERTRUDE. Gertrude, just a normal size 10, wonders what it would be like to be ONE OF THE COOL KIDS and hopes that tonight’s sleepover will be the night that turns her life around. Her mother MS. DICKERSON, however, thinks Gertrude is hopeless and suggests, since she can’t score a boy, she might as well DYKE OUT. Gertrude, alone and depressed, accidentally allows an escaped cannibalistic mass murderer into the house who commands HIDE ME BITCH OR I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU. Gertrude falls for DAVID instantly. Sean, meanwhile, runs into the trenchcoat-wearing and vaguely hound-like OFFICER McGRAFT, who is after the escaped convict. McGraft laments that California has no death penalty (GOD DAMN I WISH I LIVED IN TEXAS) and gives Sean a special whistle to use if he sees the killer. Gertrude tries to tell the other girls about her new ‘boyfriend’ (THE GOSSIP SONG) but they are too interested in LATIKA’s new vibrator and MARIA’s crush on PRINCIPAL KNOT, who just happens to show up, hanging outside the window on a tree (HIDE ME BITCH REPRISE). Maria, Gertrude and Knot go off in search of Gertrude’s Mom, but she is already there, hiding in the closet, catching the first impulses of lesbian experimentation between Tammi and Latika (WHEN YOU WANT/DYKE OUT REPRISE). Their kiss is broken prematurely when Gertrude returns still in search of her mother. Tammi and Latika worry about their reputation. Maria makes a pass at Principal Knot but he does not respond (WHAT THE FUCK?), confessing his true intentions to the audience (I’M THE RINGLEADER OF CHILD PORNOGRAPHY RING). Gertrude witnesses his song, and Knot promises to do what it takes to keep her quiet. Sean arrives looking for Tammi and Gertrude tells Knot that she and Sean dated in junior high, something Sean would like to keep secret. Alone on stage, Sean makes his SALUTATION TO SATAN and promises his dark lord a sacrificial virgin to bring about a time of darkness upon the earth. Gertrude, finally alone again with David, realizes he’s ‘kind of a pussy’ when he breaks downs admitting ANAL RAPE KINDA HURTS. When Gertrude shows up murdered later (PRAYER FOR THE DEPARTED), he is nowhere to be found and everyone begins to point the finger at each other. Sean blows the whistle (which makes no sound) and call McGraft.

      Officer McGraft organizes a thorough hunt throughout the house (THE SEARCHING SONG) but he and Sean become distracted by their growing feelings for each other. He begs Sean LET ME BE YOUR CILF (COP I’D LIKE TO FUCK). Just as Sean is about to give himself up, McGraft hears something with his dog-like sense and takes off. Sean joins Knot and they decide to tie up Maria and Latika and so at least they’ll be safe from them. This reminds Knot of an idea he once had for the greatest porn site ever, LITTLE GIRLS IN BONDAGE. Upstairs, Dickerson has been busy seducing Tammi and leaves to get ready. Left alone, Tammi is easy prey for the killer, now dressed as a ghost. McGraft, who shows up in his underwear, chases the ghost off but Tammi dies, reflecting life ain’t all PRINCES AND PONIES. Dickerson finds Tammi’s lifeless body (WHAT THE FUCK? REPRISE) McGraft returns downstairs to discover Latika and Maria tied up, and Principal Knot and Sean ready to make an amateur porn S&M film of them. David knocks on the door, and McGraft tries to arrest him, but David is too distraught about Gertrude’s death to be her killer. He tries to explain his past actions (PRINCES AND PONIES REPRISE) but Latika will have none of it and wonders why all the freaky deakies of the world are white (IN A WORLD WITHOUT WHITEY). When they realize the only one with the means and will-power to kill Gertrude (Dickerson) is with Tammi now they charge back upstairs. But Latika doesn’t make it. Somewhere between the living room and the bedroom the killer picks her off, and everyone realizes the killer is not one of them after all. McGraft goes to call for back-up and the remaining survivors contemplate what they wish they could have done BEFORE I DIE. They make a decision to abandon the house and leave Maria behind to deter the killer. Maria calls upon her faith to give her strength, asking WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THAT? David returns offering to free her if she’ll love him. But before she can accept his offer, a shotgun fires and Gertrude kills him. Gertrude reveals her plan, to kill all the popular girls, kill the murderer and become a hero (ONE OF THE COOL KIDS REPRISE). Everyone returns, having heard the singing, and Sean kills Gertrude as a sacrifice to Satan, but Maria kills him immediately saying ‘that one’s for you Jesus!’ The surviving ensemble wonders WHAT BECOMES OF US and even the dead return to reprise SCHOOLGIRL PILLOWFIGHT MASSACRE at the end of the show. 

 

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